>>>Wearing |x| Blue Boxers, Red Tank Top, Gray Hoodie
>>>Eating |x| nothing
>>>Drinking |x| Kool-Aid
>>>Talking to |x| Sabrina
>>>Mood |x| frustrated
>>>Music |x| Something Corporate - Konstantine
>>>Thinking |x| about sleep, and getting some homework done
>>Feeling |x| Cold
>>>MSN Name |x| (W)xFåÐëÐxÅwåýx(W) (U) Im not your star (8) isnt that what you said (8) what you thought this song meant (U) (W) Nobodys Star (W)
>>>Quote |x| thursday....yes....thursday was interesting....thursday
alritey, so here goes. changed the layout already, not good that im this overly obsessed with these things. i jus read sabrina's memoir for english class, and it was about anorexia and i was crying so much. i couldnt believe how close her story was to mine. im still shaking.
ive already cut tonight. only four. that puts me at 108 since august 22. that cant be to good. i only wish i could stop this. i mean ill go a day without it, and then back to self-mutilation crazy. i wanna stop. so bad. if any of my friends found out i would be hella upset for days.
on the other hand though, i know i should be looking to get some real help, not just typing my anger out into journals. but i just cant seem to bring myself to admit that i have a problem. i wish i could.
as for the weight front of things. im now down to 135 again. and have set some new goals for myself. im hoping that by summer im 107. why that number i really dont have any idea. its jus the one i picked. even 115 and i would be happy, but 107 is my goal. i need some new ways to accomplish things, my family is getting to suspicious of my nightly trips to the bathroom after dinner. i hate throwing up so much, but i just cant help myself. i feel as though i have to. the noticed when i was at the hospital though. they said i was dehydrated. so lucky me got to go on an iv for a while...
and then their is that lovely little depression thing. it sits there in the back of my mind. always haunting me. always there. it never goes away. ill get really really hyper for a while, and then i slip back down worse then i was before. i can just sit anywhere and stare into space for hours at a time, not noticing anything around me. i just feel so completly alone in the world. so by myself. like no one cares. i wish this could stop. i wish it didnt matter. people are starting to question me, i dont like it.
I dont know what i need anymore, whether i need time away from people, are time with them. i become to dependant on one person to help me threw everything, just like i did with hope. she become the sole reason i didnt cut, the one reason i tried to keep myself sane, and then all of a sudden she wasnt there. now im back to nothingness. which at the same time is just as bad. i feel as though no one cares, so then all i do is cut. just to know that im here, that im real, that im not empty inside. these feelings of numbness are taking over me. but then in another hour or so ill be all happy and hyper again. i just dont get the way all of this is working. i really wish i did...
why cant i be normal...jus for one day....
×Hates×
depression, cutting, ed's, essays, choir interns, hilary duff, liars, cheating boys, smoking, aim, school, basketball coaches, seafood.
×Playlist×
10/141 songs
smile empty soul - with this knife
three days grace - wake up
matchbook romance - tiger lily
dead celebrity status - we fall
jack off jill - strawberry gashes
greenday - boulevard of broken dreams
good charlotte - meet my maker
linkin park - carousel
smile empty soul - bottom of a bottle
good charlotte - murder